Self-doubt is messing me up
Sometimes, man… Sometimes…
I am doubting myself again, and it is killing my mental health and threatening my productivity.
I have this idea for what I want my life to be, and the difference between that ideal and reality bums me out. It hits me harder when I am not in a good mood, causing my thoughts to spiral into all sorts of negative self-talk. It is a mindset that has robbed me of the joy of living.
I want it to stop.
Allow me to be as candid as I can to make my point:
It’s 4:42pm as I write this sentence. I started the first sentence 30 minutes ago. Yet a part of myself is screaming this in my head, even though good writing takes time:
I’ve allotted an hour of time to work on two blogs, and I’m still stuck on this one.
I “need” to finish this so I can try to finish other things I “need” to do, like my hour-long walk.
A walk that I “need” to do because I noticed my health deteriorating as I keep getting heart palpitations and feelings of lightheadedness.
And I won’t see the doctor because I gained so much frigging weight since last year, which I can’t seem to make it stop, and I don’t want them to judge me for that.
Which just adds to my stress because I think I’m going to die.
And now I’m upset because I wasn’t as candid as I promised — I spent more than half an hour editing this “candid” section down.
And now I think I’m a liar.
And I hate myself.
All I want to do is cry. No, that’s wrong. I don’t know what to do. I can’t decide what to do next because my emotions are out of whack.
And breathe…
The biggest reason I end up in self-doubt is because of the expectations I set for myself. I have greater expectations of my abilities as I improve — until I can’t meet those expectations. It causes me a lot of misery.
I have to remind myself that I started this blog with zero thought to building an audience or getting recognition for the work. It should stay that way, even as I have these positive experiences from time to time.
It’s 5:21PM, and I’m already well past my allotted time. Another failure that’s going to compound into more failures. I can feel my frustration bubble up again. I’m going to stop now.
