Just another day!

Totally unrelated header image.

I’m depressed. I am content. How are both of those true? Well…

I spent all of 2021 reckoning with my personal demons. I practiced self-reflection — purposefully facing the self-defeating thoughts that I had grown up with. I endured the embarrassment of seeing myself for who I am. And then I learned to move forward.

So I am depressed again. I can feel the pessimistic voice in my head telling me to drive off a cliff. I know what it is like to move forward, to live beyond this theoretical end, so I hang in there.

It’s empowering. And that empowerment is what gives me joy during a hopeless mood.

That said, I can feel my health deteriorate. I’ve had several heart palpitations the last few nights. I sleep well, but there are nights when I wonder if I am going to wake up in the morning.

I am trying to turn it around with my fitness routine. It takes a while to ramp up, so it’s possible that I will die before then. That doesn’t bother me, though. I’ve wanted to kill myself for over twenty-four years and I have chosen differently every time. Whatever time I have left on this earth is a bonus as far as I am concerned.

Anyway, I wrote those last two paragraphs to see if anyone was paying attention. It is all true. It’s just that sometimes I feel like I’m writing into the void.

Which is totally fine. If it wasn’t, I would have stopped writing after the second week of January. I like writing for its own sake.