
I was writing a blog post a day for the entirety of 2022. That stopped because I didn’t want to punish myself anymore :P

No pressure
I used to be miserable if a project took more than a sitting to finish. I relied on the high I got from finishing a blog, story, or poem to get me to the project. When that dopamine hit didn’t happen frequently enough, I’d stop doing the thing and watch clips on YouTube. I wouldn’t get back to the project for weeks or months — if I didn’t abandon it entirely.

Too many distractions from within and without
I need to stop distractions. But I also hate boredom.


A good end to a bad work week
I feel a lot better today. It’s nice that I’m able to turn my mood around ever more frequently. It helps that I got enough sleep last night.
It’s Friday! That means I had my appointment with my therapist.

Crank it to 2.201034
I’ve mentioned over and over again how I have been in that cycle before. I am not worried because this time I am genuinely interested in breaking this cycle. But how? What’s the key?

On “Why”: Part 2
There are many times when I wouldn’t find joy in the experience in itself. The motivation for this walk is to kickstart my fitness routine. I don’t plan on enjoying any of the results of that for weeks, months, or even years. I am a results-driven person; a goal oriented person. I usually ignore peripheral benefits of walks like today’s.
But here I am, writing so many words about this one, teensy, tiny event.

Mind fog induced something or another
Today was much like yesterday. I struggled to keep my eyes open this morning. It’s like I got an injection of morphine every time I caved to my desire to close them. And trying to open them again was like brushing 400 grit sandpaper, ever so lightly, over my reddened cornea.
The effort left me drained in the first hour of the day. I pulled my motivation and energy along like a wagon with a jacked up rear wheel. There were short bursts of effort, followed by longer bouts of nodding off or staring blankly at the ceiling. Sometimes, I questioned why I bothered to try today.
Well, it was a good try. This is the end, though.